You're Crashing, But You're No Wave

You look down on yourself. You think you’re worthless. You have this need in your core to please others ‘cause that’s where you look for happiness. You blow your problems out of proportion. You dwell on your past and the mistakes you made. You couldn’t make yourself smile to save your life, but you get pissed at me because I find humor in things? I’ve learned to make myself laugh and you find me arrogant? I’m not ‘dark,’ I just see things you don’t. You think I have this vendetta against everyone, you would too if you noticed the pure ignorance I’m surrounded by. I’m not some monster that makes fun of everything. The razor hidden in your room, the bottle in a brown bag you sip outside, the cigarette in your pocket: that’s how YOU cope. You can’t handle anything without lighting up, cutting or getting drunk off your ass. I find a joke in everything. Humor. That’s my crutch. It doesn’t leave scars, make me write bullshit poetry about this mystique teenage girls have created, it won’t make me get in a wreck, and it doesn’t blacken my lungs. It gets me through everything that I have to put up with. There’s no rehab for it because it is it’s own rehab. 
My sarcasm, offbeat humor and cynicism aren’t anywhere near as hurtful as what you do.

Rusted Silhoutte

Back in 8th grade I realized I would really like a girlfriend. Not as an ego boost or anything like that, just someone who I could hold hands with and would let me stare at her because I thought the world of her. So I decided I needed to become a better me. I cleaned up my act. I stopped swearing, I stopped saying perverted things, lost a good bit of weight, started writing poetry (okay, I did that on my own, but I still count it), and I became an all around nicer person. It was all going well, too. I was talking to the most beautiful girl in the school. I’m not kidding either. She was breathtaking and I smiled every time I was around her. So, she sent me a little message one Sunday night saying “I think I’m falling for you.” I won’t lie to you, I flipped out. The second my brain comprehended it was the second I rolled off my bed in a fit of joy. Without missing a beat, I close my eyes and thanked God for what I was sure was gonna happen. I thanked Him for answering my prayer for a girlfriend that I prayed for month after month. And I thanked Him because He answered me with her, the girl I was crazy about and still couldn’t believe I was even talking to. So, skipping to the next morning, I woke up with a smile on my face because I knew me and her were finally going to be together. The entire time between waking up and actually seeing her was filled with me thanking God over and over. I nearly ran to the class I had with her. We both knew what was going to happen, I just needed to ask her and make it official. She was smiling her beautiful, sincere smile and I was beaming. I asked her and she told me to go sit down. She went to her desk and wrote on a piece of paper. She came to me with the paper and it had a poem written on it that was something along the lines of “When you asked me / My heart jumped out my chest / And my answer to your question is / Yes, yes, yes!” (Oh, I should tell you that the thing that got me and her talking was poetry. We connected with that and it was our “thing” that drew us to each other. We’d send messages in poems. It was cute) So, after that class I went to my two other ones. I couldn’t tell you how many times I thanked God for her and I being together. The whole time I was going over what I planned our relationship to be like with God. “Thank You, thank You, thank You! I promise You that me and her aren’t going to do anything sexual. Not at all. I’ll start bringing her to church and let her get to know You through me talking about You. I’m going to be there for her ANYTIME she needs me. I’m going to be the best boyfriend alive and I’m going to be her best friend. Thank You, thank You again!” Yeah, that was my mind for about three hours. Have you gotten the hint that I like her? Anyways, lunch came around and I saw her talking to her ex (we'll call him 'Bob'). I didn’t really think anything of it. I just wanted to hold her hand for the first time. 'Bob'went one way and she walked over to me. She told me we couldn’t be together right as I took out a poem I wrote her about how I was so happy to be with her. She walked away. I stood there and felt a flood of sadness go over my entire body. I sat with my friends and held back tears as I ripped up the note. I could see her from where I was sitting. She didn’t look back once.

That’s what being a ‘good guy’ got me. I’m sitting there, trying to make an actual relationship with someone I really have strong feelings for while douchebags are getting girls they barely know left and right.

What is there to gain from being the nice guy like I was? A heart broken and hopes for a real relationship shattered? That seems to be the answer. I don’t make the rules of this dating game, I’m just a contestant in it. If I actually want to be with someone I think is amazing, I have to be some uncaring, womanizing, sex crazed, egotistical ‘dude’ that I despise. I have to become what I hate if I want to quit feeling so lonely. There’s more to lose being the good guy, it seems. Why not see what being a douchebag gets me?

Twisted Fiction. Sick Addiction.

I could tell you things that are going on in my life.
Tell you some things I've learned and realized.
Maybe even add a nice, little line of encouragement relevant to what I'm talking about at the end of this.
But I won't.
I tried to think how I could one-up every other teenager's blog, but I can't. Basically, the only thing I could think of was to be broodier and 'deeper' than the others.
Then I thought "Screw that."
So, now I'm just doing this.
Now tell me, how many other blogs have you seen something like this on?
Some think outside the box, I rip it apart so I don't have the temptation of getting anywhere near it.
All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the fact that people are reading my blog, and I really didn't even write one.

Numbness

I don't want to feel anything that's negative.
I use comedy to deal with my problems. Not many people do that. I like to make light of things in order to make them less serious or scary.
Lately, I've been depressed. I won't lie. I've been like this for the past two months. I want her back. It hurts. She's in one of my classes, I hate that class because I have to spend the entire block acting like she doesn't exist and that I'm fine without her. I hate it. I hate she's with the other guy. I hate I was such a jackass. I hate I didn't try harder. I hate how I'll go on to her Tumblr, even though I know it'll just hurt me, to see if she said anything about me. She doesn't. She just posts about random stuff and every now and then, something about her boyfriend. She told me she wanted to wait to date until she figured stuff out in her life. As soon as I was out of the picture, she apparently figured it all out because now they're dating. I hate how I'm doing all this crazy shit just to prove to myself I can do it and prove to everyone I'm not....me. I've had the urge to slam my head into a wall just to see if I can feel anything.
I don't know. This thing started out as a blog to just write about how I don't want to feel bad things, but it took a left turn.
I want to laugh. I want to make others laugh. I want my positive outlook back. I don't care if my cynicism and viciousness comes back with it, I just want it back.
I'm tired of being sad and angry.
I'm tired of acting like I'm alright.
I'm lonely.
So.Damn.Lonely.

You Have Got to be Kidding

I'm getting rather sick of people falling in line to help a cause that just uses the word "love." Even though this blog will be about age differences in relationships, I can't help but to feel this post will make people wonder what I think about gays. So, here's what I think about homos:
I'm really neutral when it comes to whether I'm pro or anti gay. I think that being gay isn't a choice, but I think its a chemical/hormonal imbalance in the brain that makes you attracted to the same sex. I don't hate gay people, but I do have a problem with them acting like they're singled out when it comes to bullying. Look, no one should be harassed for anything. That's just how it is. But don't go around like "You don't know how hard it is! You don't know the struggles we put up with being gay! We're just like you!" because that draws attention to YOU. If you're a lesbian, dress like a girl. If you're a gay guy, DRESS LIKE A GUY. You're still a girl if you're a lesbian and you're still a guy if you're gay. Guys, don't go around dressed like a woman, wearing a mesh, yellow tank top and a big, silver heart necklace. Because then you go from gay to just flat out weird. Girls, dress like a girl. All lesbians say Megan Fox is hot. Does Megan Fox look like a lesbian? No. Then why do you shave your head and try to look like a boy? And quit acting like all you are is gay. I love women, but do I always make SURE people know I love pussy whenever I introduce myself to them? No. There's a difference between a person who is gay and a gay person.

Now, on to the main part of the blog.
I know that somehow the person who sparked the writing of this blog will find this somehow, I just hope she knows I love her to death and this isn't aimed towards her at all. But here's the thing: I saw her comment on something on Tumblr that kind of pissed me off. She commented on the picture at the bottom. She talked about how she thinks a relationship between two people, one 15 and one 21, can be maintained. Um, I lost hope for the human race. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! I'm fine with gays getting married, they can go do whatever the hell they want when it comes to that. I don't care. But the day we as a country start thinking "Hey, it's alright for a minor and a legal adult to hook up" is the day we might as well just pop a gun in our mouth and pull the trigger. There are names for 21-year-olds who date minors, they're called "pedophiles." I don't care what you say, THAT'S WRONG! What's next? Are we gonna starts saying that it's fine for a guy and a dog to hook up? If you can stick your dick in it, you can love it? Is that what we've been reduced to morally? There's something wrong with the 21-year-old in that situation! People need to quit trying to blur the lines between what's right and wrong. We need to piece together what's left of our morals and re-build the world that we've torn down with that kind of twisted stuff I just talked about.

Weight Watchers are Watching you

Stop obsessing over being skinny.

STOP.

You're all doing it to get a guy's attention. 

You can say you like being skinny or some crap like that, but you know deep down that you're doing it all so a guy will notice you.

Don't look at this as another "You're beautiful just the way you are" type of thing.

It's not.

It's a "Guys aren't as picky as we're made out to be" type thing.

Don't hate yourself because you just ate a piece of pizza. 

EAT.

Food is good. 

Don't gorge yourself, though.

Be healthy; just don't try to be skinny.

You all over-exaggerate and think that no guy will like you if your ribs aren't showing.

Fun fact: Seeing a girl's ribs is disgusting. No one likes that.

As long as you're not overweight, then most guys will be attracted to you physically.

When I say overweight, I mean being able to see the rolls on the side of your stomach when you're sitting up straight; obvious double chin even when you're not looking down; a lot of your stomach hanging over your jeans when you stand up; you waddle when you walk.

Some guys may vary in their idea of what a fat girl looks like, but most could agree on what I said.

Quit worrying about having just a little bit of flab on your stomach or how big your thighs look. The only time those would really come into play is if you're naked.

Even then, you're naked.

A guy doesn't care about a little bit of flab on your stomach or you're thighs being a little bit big.

You're naked.

He'll be too caught up in the fact that you're (say it with me) naked. It doesn't take much to excite a teenage guy.

As for boobs, guys are dumb-struck by them even when you have your clothes on. Even more when they're off. The only exception is if they're noticeably small. Other than that, we want to motorboat you.

Now, go get yourself a Debbie Cake or something...