You Have Got to be Kidding

I'm getting rather sick of people falling in line to help a cause that just uses the word "love." Even though this blog will be about age differences in relationships, I can't help but to feel this post will make people wonder what I think about gays. So, here's what I think about homos:
I'm really neutral when it comes to whether I'm pro or anti gay. I think that being gay isn't a choice, but I think its a chemical/hormonal imbalance in the brain that makes you attracted to the same sex. I don't hate gay people, but I do have a problem with them acting like they're singled out when it comes to bullying. Look, no one should be harassed for anything. That's just how it is. But don't go around like "You don't know how hard it is! You don't know the struggles we put up with being gay! We're just like you!" because that draws attention to YOU. If you're a lesbian, dress like a girl. If you're a gay guy, DRESS LIKE A GUY. You're still a girl if you're a lesbian and you're still a guy if you're gay. Guys, don't go around dressed like a woman, wearing a mesh, yellow tank top and a big, silver heart necklace. Because then you go from gay to just flat out weird. Girls, dress like a girl. All lesbians say Megan Fox is hot. Does Megan Fox look like a lesbian? No. Then why do you shave your head and try to look like a boy? And quit acting like all you are is gay. I love women, but do I always make SURE people know I love pussy whenever I introduce myself to them? No. There's a difference between a person who is gay and a gay person.

Now, on to the main part of the blog.
I know that somehow the person who sparked the writing of this blog will find this somehow, I just hope she knows I love her to death and this isn't aimed towards her at all. But here's the thing: I saw her comment on something on Tumblr that kind of pissed me off. She commented on the picture at the bottom. She talked about how she thinks a relationship between two people, one 15 and one 21, can be maintained. Um, I lost hope for the human race. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! I'm fine with gays getting married, they can go do whatever the hell they want when it comes to that. I don't care. But the day we as a country start thinking "Hey, it's alright for a minor and a legal adult to hook up" is the day we might as well just pop a gun in our mouth and pull the trigger. There are names for 21-year-olds who date minors, they're called "pedophiles." I don't care what you say, THAT'S WRONG! What's next? Are we gonna starts saying that it's fine for a guy and a dog to hook up? If you can stick your dick in it, you can love it? Is that what we've been reduced to morally? There's something wrong with the 21-year-old in that situation! People need to quit trying to blur the lines between what's right and wrong. We need to piece together what's left of our morals and re-build the world that we've torn down with that kind of twisted stuff I just talked about.

Weight Watchers are Watching you

Stop obsessing over being skinny.

STOP.

You're all doing it to get a guy's attention. 

You can say you like being skinny or some crap like that, but you know deep down that you're doing it all so a guy will notice you.

Don't look at this as another "You're beautiful just the way you are" type of thing.

It's not.

It's a "Guys aren't as picky as we're made out to be" type thing.

Don't hate yourself because you just ate a piece of pizza. 

EAT.

Food is good. 

Don't gorge yourself, though.

Be healthy; just don't try to be skinny.

You all over-exaggerate and think that no guy will like you if your ribs aren't showing.

Fun fact: Seeing a girl's ribs is disgusting. No one likes that.

As long as you're not overweight, then most guys will be attracted to you physically.

When I say overweight, I mean being able to see the rolls on the side of your stomach when you're sitting up straight; obvious double chin even when you're not looking down; a lot of your stomach hanging over your jeans when you stand up; you waddle when you walk.

Some guys may vary in their idea of what a fat girl looks like, but most could agree on what I said.

Quit worrying about having just a little bit of flab on your stomach or how big your thighs look. The only time those would really come into play is if you're naked.

Even then, you're naked.

A guy doesn't care about a little bit of flab on your stomach or you're thighs being a little bit big.

You're naked.

He'll be too caught up in the fact that you're (say it with me) naked. It doesn't take much to excite a teenage guy.

As for boobs, guys are dumb-struck by them even when you have your clothes on. Even more when they're off. The only exception is if they're noticeably small. Other than that, we want to motorboat you.

Now, go get yourself a Debbie Cake or something...

Meet my Friend, John Mayer

There’s something about John Mayer’s music, sense of humor, and overall attitude he has that makes me think me and him would be really good friends. Should I ever become famous and have a career that somehow allows me to meet him and travel with him, mind you. We’d have buddy-buddy conversations on a private plane. Both trying to impress the other with stories of encounters with women, how we messed with the paparazzi in a way to cope with them, and things we’d like to try; like crowd-surfing. Then, after long nights filled with troubles or just random flashbacks of failed relationships, we’d talk about life, find a few laughs somewhere in seriousness of it all, and shrug off how late it was every time we caught a glimpse of the clock. It’d be like talking to the future me, except that I’d know that I could never pull off his…’essence’, if you will.
The past few years, I’ve had this deep desire to be famous. Not some horrible actor who sold their soul to Disney Channel for a few years of fame and then a spiral downwards, caused by drugs and desperation. No, I want to be a legit actor. Not a celebrity, an entertainer. Shaking up Hollywood with a charisma that doesn’t match other actors my age. Going on dates with A-Listers like Julia Roberts, Sigourney Weaver, and Tina Fey. I’d do it just for the story of it, of course. Just a little something to throw the gossip magazines outta whack. On and off camera I’d be interesting. Trying to be a smug bastard when asked about a relationship. Being witty and clever as possible, but keeping quiet enough to make ‘em be satisfied and want more at the same time.
But it’s not the paparazzi that make me want to be famous. It’s not the attention. It’s a combination of both my love of humor and need to leave here. I know it’s so cliché for someone in a small town to want to make it big, but it’s not wholly why I want to become an comedian. I want to be a comedian because I feel better about who I am when I put myself on display. Not to show off, just to become something new. Hopefully become a little bit of light in this ever-dimming world. The other reason I want to be a comedian is because I love to make people laugh and I truly believe if I do, I can handle myself. Deep down, I’m an arrogant SOB. Really, I am. I fight it and I hide it the best I can, but it’s there. I don’t think I’m some God or better than everyone else, I just feel like I’m sitting in this town, waiting for my chance to leave. If and when the time does come, I’m leaving. I’m going to smile at everyone who ever ridiculed me, looked down on me, and brushed me off when I tried to just talk to them. I’ll leave it all on that smile.
I know simply being famous will make all my problems go away, but it will take away a lot of them. I suspect I’d only talk to my family whenever they call. Whatever project I’m working on at the time would be my only concern. Having time alone to myself. Having my own house. Walking that dangerous line of “conceited lone wolf” and “trying to be alone because I feel alone.” Walking into my house after a long night. Alone because I’m smart enough not to have a fling. Figuring myself out. Thinking about all the girls in my life. Feeling a different pain from each of them as I dwell on what was and what could have been. Call my best friend and great time with them because I need someone to bring me back to Earth. Look back on my depression and realize the pattern I go through every time I get depressed. I’d do some charity things. Probably find a way to get into the music industry. Rap, maybe. Hip-hop, most likely. Maybe do something with Andy Samberg because I'd like to be seen as an all around funny guy.
I love my sense of humor, even though I'm still sculpting it and figuring out what fits on stage. It’s something I use to find some relief from being me. I’m arrogant, I can be hateful, I say things impulsively, I deal with things I can’t control with humor to a fault. All I know right now is that becoming a comedian is either going to help me get rid of who I am for good, or become more comfortable with me. I guess I’ll only learn that if I become famous. Let’s hope I learn that lesson.

I know how off all this sounds.

I know how most people see me as some weird kid who writes jokes.

I know people want to break my fingers so I can't write more statuses.

Trust me, I'm very self-aware.

I don't think the same way others do.

I'm not special, I'm mentally 'here'.

I just see things in a different way.

I try to find humor in everything.

It's just how I learned to cope with getting picked on for the past 6 years or so.

I figured that if I could just take all the posion that people spit and turn it into something light,

then I had accomplished something great.

I know that if I do comedy, then I can show people that I'm not so stupid.

I can show people that I'm more than I'm made out to be.

I can show myself I can do something that very few people can do.

Just show myself that I can do something.